


if death was coming for you, i'd give my life for you

by yongz



Series: round 1, round 2 [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, End of the World, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Hurt Na Jaemin, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Medieval Medicine, Memories, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Violence, Plot Twists, Reincarnation, Sad Huang Ren Jun, Sharing a Bed, Strangers to Lovers, Temporary Character Death, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 12:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20546108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongz/pseuds/yongz
Summary: "Do you ever think." Jaemin fiddles with a twig in his hands. "About why we’re being brought back?" Jaemin asks.Renjun shrugs. “Stop fucking dying so early and we just might find out,” he says.Jaemin laughs, bright, loud, happy. It's a sound Renjun never wants to stop hearing.Or; Reincarnation AU. Renjun always lives to an old age. Jaemin, does not.





	if death was coming for you, i'd give my life for you

**Author's Note:**

> i really dont know how the tags, the tags look like a mess im sorry.... but we blip through a lot of different scenarios for renmin... 
> 
> also it's reincarnation au, and u cant get reincarnated without dying so.... ;)
> 
> it's kinda angsty. sorry not sorry, tht's all i know how to write

They first meet as medieval villagers. Renjun was gathering herbs for his mother in the field, when he ran into another boy.

"Hi," the other boy had said.

"Hi?" Renjun said. He clutched his basket tighter. "Who are you?"

The boy giggled. "I'm Jaemin," he said.

"Renjun," he replied.

From then on, every time Renjun went to the fields Jaemin was there with him. Some days they'd sit in the field for hours upon hours, talking and laughing and running. Jaemin would pick many colorful flowers and weave them into a sort of crown for Renjun to wear. They'd play make believe and pretend they were kings of an imaginary kingdom. They'd sit there in the dirt and grass until the sun set and Renjun's mom came worried to collect him. And they were _happy_.

Then Jaemin began coughing. His cough grew worse and worse, and blood flecks start to come up too. Jaemin's mother called in the village doctor, but he was unable to help Jaemin much. Soon, Jaemin is not able to leave bed at all.

Every day, Renjun sits beside his bedside, and watches as his best friend withers away. His dark hair that used to be oh so soft turns brittle and snaps at the faintest touch. His skin turns a sickly pale color. Some days he's more conscious than others. Some days he's delirious, and doesn't even recognize Renjun. Those days hurt Renjun the most.

"It hurts," Jaemin rasps. Renjun holds his hand and rubs his thumb gently across the back of Jaemin's palm.

"Where?" Renjun asks softly.

"Everywhere," Jaemin says. He turns to face Renjun. "Everywhere," he repeats.

In winter, Jaemin succumbs to the illness that the town doctor is not able to cure. Renjun swears to do what the doctor could not, and replaces the village doctor.

-

This time, Renjun is a hunter of the esteemed academy. Sometimes he has strange dreams, of a dark-haired boy in a field with many flowers, but he brushes them aside as odd fantasies of his.

One day the grandmaster calls him in. "Renjun," the grandmaster says. "This is your new partner, Jaemin." Beside him is a boy with honey colored hair. _Pretty_, thinks Renjun. There's a niggling feeling in the back of Renjun's mind, but he dismisses it.

"Hi," the boy says, smiling too wide for Renjun's taste.

"Hello," Renjun says, shaking his hand.

-

Renjun leaves the room, with Jaemin trailing him like a lost puppy.

"Have we met before?" Jaemin asks, tilting his head.

Renjun shakes his head. "I don't think so," he says.

Jaemin squints at him. "Are you—"

"Yes," Renjun snaps. "Let's go train," he says, motioning for Jaemin to follow him.

-

Quickly, Renjun decides that Jaemin is one of the most annoying people Renjun has ever met. He didn't think hunters could be _this _childish and foolish. Hunters were supposed to be proper, careful, dangerous. Jaemin is... the opposite of all that. And most of all, he's _soft_. The other day he cried over a rabbit who got its leg stuck in the fence in the academy garden. Renjun can't imagine him sticking a stake through a vampire's heart.

It makes Renjun want to wrap him up in some big blanket and stash him away somewhere secret, somewhere where it'd be only Renjun and him. The thought scares him. It's not a feeling he's used to having.

-

Renjun is sitting in the dining hall when the grandmaster and several other hunters run into the hall.

"They're coming," says the grandmaster. "Ready up." Renjun nods, and speeds off to the weapons room. He grabs everything he needs and starts preparing himself. Jaemin enters a few moments later. He's totally silent as he readies his gear. It's odd, the silence. Jaemin isn't usually one to be quiet, always filling the silence with what Renjun used to think of as mindless chatter. But now it's just too quiet. It's disconcerting, and Renjun misses his talkative partner.

"You ready?" Renjun asks, while strapping a knife to his arm.

Jaemin pauses. "Yeah," he says, his voice sounding too quiet.

"Hey," Renjun says, softer. "You okay?" Jaemin looks up at him. He looks so _young_. Renjun half wants to keep him here, away from all this, but he's his partner, and a trained hunter. It's not an option.

"I—" Jaemin huffs. "I want us both to be safe," Jaemin says, turning to face him. "I want _us_ to make it out of this."

"It's going to be fine," Renjun says, determined. "Failure is not an option." It's the motto of the academy. But somehow, it felt like the wrong thing to say.

-

It's a mess. Hunters lay dead in droves. Everywhere Renjun steps there's another body, but he ignores the cracks beneath him in favor of driving his stake through another vampire, again, again, and again. It becomes rite motion. Duck, stab, run. Duck, stab, run... Renjun feels nothing for the vampires he's killed. He steels himself and pushes himself onwards, despite his tired protesting muscles.

He catches sight of Jaemin nearby. In one fluid motion, Jaemin stabs a first vampire and then slides the stake out and straight into another.

"Holy fuck," Renjun says. Jaemin's... kind of _hot_ like this. It's making Renjun feel something he'd rather not think about right now, not when they're in the middle of a battlefield surrounded by enemies.

"Watch out!" Jaemin shouts, and he shoves Renjun, sending him flying to the ground. Renjun turns around just in time to see Jaemin stab another vampire. The vampire disintegrates into ash, dusting Renjun and Jaemin both with its remains.

Jaemin extends a hand. "Thanks," Renjun says, taking it. Jaemin pulls him back up standing.

Jaemin looks different. Like he's shut off a part of himself. Right now, this Jaemin looks cold, and calculating, everything Renjun had wished for in a partner.

At some point he loses track of Jaemin in the chaos.

Once the battle is over, Renjun sets out to find him. "Have you seen Jaemin?" Renjun asks each hunter he passes. Each time he gets a shake of their head. Some of them look sorry, as if they already know.

"Renjun," somebody calls. They beckon for him to go over to them. As Renjun walks closer, he can see a large pool of blood already staining the ground, as well as a mop of honey colored hair.

It's Jaemin. His neck is torn to shreds, to say the least. Every second more bright red blood gushes from the several deep gashes on his neck. A few chunks of flesh are entirely missing. His whole neck looks gnawed on, like some vampire took a snack. It makes Renjun's blood boil. He wants to slay every vampire over again.

Jaemin chokes, sputtering up more blood. It stains his lips a dark red. _Not good_, Renjun thinks. His mind whirs, trying to bring up all the medical knowledge he's acquired.

"Hey," Renjun says, trying to keep his voice steady and calm. He kneels beside him. "You're going to be okay," he says, shushing Jaemin. Jaemin's eyes flit around in all directions, seemingly searching out for something he can't find. He's frenzied, and Renjun is trying his best to calm him, but it's hard when he himself is barely keeping it together.

"N-no," Jaemin chokes out. His chest heaves, making awful rasping noises. Every breath he takes is accompanied by a slight wet heaving noise. Jaemin coughs, blood flecks splattering onto Renjun.

Hours later, when the grandmaster finds him, Renjun is still kneeling beside Jaemin's body. The field reeks of rotting corpses and burning flesh. Renjun is coated in a fine layer of dust and vampire ash, intermixed with dried specks of Jaemin's blood.

"He's going to turn soon," says the grandmaster. "It's time," he says, placing a hand on Renjun's shoulder.

Jaemin's body is burned at a pyre. The smoke from the fire burns Renjun's eyes, but he doesn't dare look away.

Renjun never takes another partner after that, preferring to work alone. The grandmaster scolds him, saying it's too dangerous but Renjun doesn't care. Renjun dies alone years later, when his bones crack from old age and his days of fighting are long over.

-

Huang Renjun is ten when he starts having strange dreams. He dreams of a boy with dark hair, a boy with honey hair, but always the same boy. Some nights he dreams of watching the boy burn. He sees visions of a battlefield littered with bodies, he sees himself on that battlefield, fighting _creatures_. But alongside him is the boy, always the boy.

He tells his mother about these dreams. His mother tells him not to dwell on them, that he just as an 'active imagination.' Then Renjun gets an apprenticeship with a tailor by the sea, and Renjun has always wanted to see the sea. His thoughts are filled with the cries of gulls and the smell of saltwater and he thinks of the dreams no more.

That is, until the tailor sends him to gather some clothes from the port and bring them back to the shop. On the way back he slams into somebody, causing him to spill the load he's carrying. Renjun swears and leans over to start picking up the cloths when he looks up to see who he ran into. It's the very same boy in his dreams, with the same eyes and the same face and the same name.

"You—" Renjun begins.

"Renjun?" the boy says tentatively. Renjun takes a cautious step back.

"How do you know my name?" Renjun says.

The boy shrugs. "The same way you know mine," he says, and flashes Renjun a toothy grin. The boy is right. He does.

"... Jaemin?" Renjun says.

"Yep," Jaemin says. "That's me." He looks at Renjun's cloths on the ground. "I'm sorry," he says. "Let me help." He crouches over and starts gathering up his scattered cloths.

"Thank you," Renjun says.

They end up talking for longer than it takes for Jaemin to pick up all his clothes. Renjun gives Jaemin the name of the tailor shop he's apprenticing at. When he finally gets back to the shop, the tailor yells at him for being so late, but Renjun doesn't feel an ounce of regret.

-

Jaemin comes by the tailor shop often. He brings pastries or sweets sometimes. Renjun learns he's apprenticing at the bakery nearby.

"I was thinking," Jaemin says. "Those 'dreams' of ours. They're like past lives of ours I think."

"So they're memories," Renjun says. Jaemin's theory makes sense. All the dreams also seem to take place in times that were before Renjun was born, or at least before he was born in this life.

"We're being, reborn or something," Jaemin muses. "We must be fated to meet each other then." He grins cheekily.

"Fate?" Renjun repeats, shaking his head. "No," he says.

"It _must_ be," Jaemin says, swinging his legs. "There's no other explanation, right?"

Renjun doesn't really believe in fate. "I suppose so," he replies dubiously. "But how do we know it's real?"

Jaemin snorts. "People don't just _share dreams_, Renjun." He's right.

"But still," Renjun protests. "How would we know?" He finishes folding the cloth and turns to face Jaemin. Jaemin bites his lip in thought.

"If I die," Jaemin begins. "And you find me in the next life."

"Then we'll know it's real," Renjun finishes, feeling uneasy. He doesn't like this plan. He doesn't like thinking about Jaemin dying to test it. "Don't plan on dying," he adds. Jaemin laughs.

"Of course not," he says. He hops off the counter. "I'll see you tomorrow."

-

There's a fire at the bakery. Renjun watches as Jaemin's charred body is pulled from the wreckage. He calms his wild heart by telling himself he'll see him in the next life. And if he doesn't, then he'll know they're just dreams.

Renjun desperately hopes they are not.

-

Decades later, Renjun is running from a disease that can't be outran. It's mass panic. He's stuck in a mob of people being pushed in each and every direction with no sense or reason. It's probably worse being out here than being inside, in home where it might be safe. Outside, he's surrounded by dozens of strangers, of which he doesn't know who might be sick or not. It's started to drizzle lightly, and the ground has turned to slushy mud.

Renjun's trying to press himself forwards and out of the crowd when he passes by a boy with dark hair. He looks so, so _familiar_. Renjun stands there, stunned, watching him walk away for a few moments before shaking himself and realizing.

It's him. It's Jaemin, undeniably so. Renjun hurries after him, quickening his pace so that he can reach him before he disappears into the crowd.

"Jaemin," Renjun calls, but he doesn't hear him. Jaemin keeps walking, getting further and further away. Renjun pushes his way through a mob of people, shoving someone away from him a little too harshly. _Sorry not sorry_, he thinks.

"Jaemin!" he calls again. He lunges for Jaemin's arm and catches ahold of it. Jaemin startles, obviously not expecting someone to be grabbing him. He turns around.

"They're not just dreams," Renjun says, slightly out of breath.

Jaemin breaks into a smile as soon as he sees it's him. "No," he says, with that wide grin of his. "No, they're not."

-

Renjun takes Jaemin back to his house. It's small on the outskirts of town, but there's enough room for the two of them. But there's only one bed in the house.

"I can..." Renjun hesitates. "I can sleep downstairs if you—" Jaemin glances between the bed and Renjun. He shrugs. "I don't mind," he says nonchalantly. "Do you?" Jaemin arches an eyebrow.

Renjun swallows, before shaking his head. "No," he says. "Alright," he exhales, staring at the bed.

Jaemin notices this. "Are you sure?" he says. "It's no big deal if you want me to go downstairs instead."

"No," Renjun says harshly. "It—it's fine," he says, and he hates how his voice stutters. Jaemin looks all very amused by this, but says nothing more.

-

It's awkward, to say the least. Despite the fact that they've known each other for several lifetimes now, it's a step up. A step up from... from whatever it is between them. A step towards something. Something...

For a while, Jaemin and Renjun stood there staring at each other in their sleeping clothes.

"Stop staring," Renjun mutters, flushing.

Jaemin shakes himself. "Sorry," he mumbles. He gestures for Renjun to get into bed first. At the same time, Renjun motions for him to get in. Both of them move to at the same time, but freeze when they see the other move.

"Oh, for Christ's sake," Renjun grumbles, climbing in. "Get in," he says. Jaemin hesitantly untucks the other side and slides in beside him. Renjun can feel Jaemin's presence besides him. He seems oddly tense. And not to mention, he's still just sitting up.

"Unless you plan on sleeping sitting up," Renjun says, "you should lie down."

"Sorry," Jaemin says, and Renjun can feel the mattress dip from where Jaemin is shifting around.

"Stop _apologizing_," Renjun says. Jaemin is silent, but Renjun can still hear him apologizing in his head.

When Jaemin rolls over and pokes Renjun's back, making him jump. "Renjun?" Jaemin whispers very loudly. It can barely be counted as whisper. "Are you su—"

"Yes," Renjun groans. He rubs his eyes. "Just go to sleep, Jaemin."

"Okay," Jaemin says, quieter. "Night Renjun," he says, shifting.

"Goodnight," Renjun whispers back.

-

Jaemin plans on staying with Renjun a few days, before trying to find his own place nearby so that they could keep in contact. Renjun almost tells him that it's fine if he wanted to stay here with him for longer, that he didn't mind, but something held him back.

Then Jaemin falls sick. Of course he does. Renjun is torn between feeling angry and desperate to keep him alive, even just for a little longer.

When Jaemin starts sleeping more than he is awake, that's when Renjun knows they're in the endgame now. It shouldn't be much longer anymore. Half the time Jaemin is unconscious, the other half he's delirious from and fever.

Renjun does as much as he can for him. He switches his bedsheets, he wipes his forehead with a cool cloth, he provides him with water and as much care and love that Renjun could possibly give. But there's only so much Renjun can do for a dying man, only so much comfort he can do to ease Jaemin's passing.

"You should go," Jaemin rasps.

"What?" Renjun says, sitting up. "Why?"

"I don't want you to—" he's cut off by another fit of wracking coughs. "Get sick," he finishes weakly.

Renjun sniffles. _How sweet of him._ "I think I'm going to be fine Jaemin," he says. It's hard. _So_ hard to see Jaemin like this. Each time Jaemin dies Renjun feels a part of him being torn apart. The past Renjun's have suffered too. He can feel their pain intermixed with his right now, in the present.

"Hey," Jaemin drawls, his voice slurred. "It's gonna be okay, you know."

"Yeah?" Renjun wipes his nose. His voice shakes as he speaks, and he hopes to whatever god there is that Jaemin can't tell. He's half delirious out of his mind from a fever that's so high it scalds Renjun to touch him.

"We've still got—got the next life." And then Jaemin grins, goofy and loopy. Renjun can't help anything but to smile back, watery and half broken.

When Jaemin breaths his last breath, Renjun breaks down and cries on his body. He cries and cries until his eyes are red and raw and the sun has set. Only then, does he finally stand up and wipe the tear tracks from his face. He digs Jaemin's grave himself, and lays him to rest in the woods behind the village.

-

This Renjun chooses to go about his life normally. He doesn't seek out Jaemin, no matter how much his heart urges him to. Not until he passes by a portrait of the oldest prince. It looks suspiciously like Jaemin. Renjun can't be sure from the painting alone though, no he needs to see him in real life. Unfortunately for peasants there aren't that many options for meeting the princes in person, short of being arrested and sentenced to trial. Renjun isn't keen on checking if it's Jaemin and then having his head lopped off.

So Renjun applies for the manservant position there, despite his detestation for having to do so. He is accepted, and the head lady takes him around the castle before introducing him to Prince Na.

"Renjun, meet Prince Na," she says, bowing deeply.

It _is_ Jaemin. He's all prim and proper, with bright blonde hair now. It's swept up into a lovely curl, giving him an air of importance. Jaemin nods stiffly at the two of them. Renjun's never seen him so formal.

Renjun stifles a snort. He bows as well, so he doesn't get his head chopped off by the king for being impolite.

"Prince Na," she says. "This is your new manservant."

Jaemin extends a friendly hand. "Pleasure's all mine," he says, voice sickeningly charming. The head lady bows once more, before leaving the two of them alone. She closes the door with a soft click. Both of them stare at the closed door for a moment before Jaemin's posture relaxes.

"Renjun, _my _manservant," Jaemin chuckles.

"Don't let it get to your big head, _prince_," Renjun drawls. He sighs. "I can't believe this. I have to serve _your_ royal ass."

Jaemin shrugs. "What can I say?" He grins smugly. "I guess I got the better luck this time, eh?"

Renjun rolls his eyes. "I cried over you fucker," he says. He punches Jaemin's arm, for good measure. No matter how much Renjun might pretend it doesn't affect him, he _missed_ Jaemin.

"I'm a prince," Jaemin says, with mock hurt in his voice. "You can't hit me."

"I can do what I want," Renjun says back. Jaemin just rolls his eyes and ruffles his hair affectionately. Renjun squawks and moves to hit Jaemin again, but he moves deftly out of reach. Soon, the two are screeching and racing down the hallways, half chasing each other half crying from laughter.

Later, they got a scolding and lecture on "proper behavior" for the both of them. Throughout the entire meeting Jaemin sneaks pulling silly faces at Renjun. At one point, Renjun laughs out loud so loudly he fears the head lady might fire him on the bases of him being insane.

-

At nights, they'd sneak out to an empty tower spire and sit in the staircase pressed against each other. It was small, and they barely fit, but it was cozy and it was _theirs_.

Jaemin would bring books from his room to read to Renjun, and Renjun, even though he remembered how to read from past lives went along with it just for the sake of getting to listen to Jaemin's voice for hours.

-

Jaemin's coronation is just around the corner. It's spring, and the trees are in full bloom. There's a garden in the castle courtyard. There's a pink tree there that flowers only briefly, before it's petals all fall to the ground to be trampled upon. Renjun enjoys sitting underneath it and simply watching the people go by. Sometimes Jaemin comes with him, when he has the time. He barely does though anymore, instead having lessons or meetings to attend to.

Lately he seems stressed, which Renjun can understand. Jaemin's under a lot of pressure. Pressure from the king, from his brothers, and from the citizens. The weight of the kingdom literally is about to rest on his shoulders. It's a wonderful life he's been given, but also a hard one.

"Being prince isn't as glorious as it seems," Jaemin says one day. Renjun looks up from where he was folding his clothes.

"Yeah?" Renjun says.

"One day, I'll have to be king," Jaemin says solemnly. He stands and moves towards the large window. The window spans the length of wall, almost brushing the ceiling. It's a beautiful view. Jaemin looks out over the castle wall and out into the surrounding town, and even beyond that where green rolling hills lie. It's a view Renjun loves as well.

He looks positively regal, standing there. Renjun thinks he'll be a good king. No, he _knows_ he'll be a good king. But Jaemin seems _sad_ for some reason, as if he's upset about his coming coronation.

"You'll be good king, you know," Renjun says. "You have centuries of experience," he jokes. Jaemin smiles for a brief moment before dropping it.

"Thanks," he murmurs, before falling silent again. Renjun doesn't try again. He can tell when Jaemin is in the mood and when Jaemin needs to be left alone. Sometimes it's good to sit with your thoughts. Sometimes, it's not.

-

In the end, it never comes to pass.

Not two months later, Jaemin is killed during a war with the Southern kingdom. Renjun cries at his funeral, again. The whole kingdom is sent into mourning, and his younger brother succeeds the throne. And Renjun, Renjun becomes the brother's manservant. Renjun has to watch as he becomes king, and definitely does not fantasize about how good Jaemin would've looked in a crown and official robes.

One night, as he is undressing him for his nightwear, he asks Renjun about Jaemin.

"Is it true?" he says, while Renjun fumbles with the clasp on the cape.

Renjun tilts his head. "Is what true, sir?"

"That you and my brother, you were in love?"

Renjun almost drops the brooch he's holding. His breath hitches. "I don't know what you're talking about, sir," he says smoothly. He turns away from him and places the brooch carefully down on the nightstand.

"I see," he muses. Renjun hangs up the cape on its hook.

"Is that all for tonight, sir?" Renjun asks, bowing. The prince stares at him for a moment longer, before nodding his head.

"Yes," he says. "You're dismissed." Renjun bows on final time before closing the door behind him.

-

At night, Renjun still sneaks up to the tower where Jaemin and he used to sit and read books together. He'd pretend Jaemin was still here, and talk to him.

"Stop dying on me, Jaemin," Renjun whispers, tracing a finger over the cover of a romance book Jaemin had particularly liked. "I'm getting bored without you here."

-

Renjun meets Jaemin in a factory this time. The world is changing rapidly, and technology is ever changing. Renjun finds it fascinating to watch. He supposes he's lucky he gets to live from the dawn of early civilization to the mass production of factories.

"Fancy seeing you here," Renjun says, bumping him.

"Renjun!" Jaemin exclaims. "Hey." Jaemin jostles the cart he's pushing. "I'd wave but, hands full."

The manager barks out some more orders that Renjun should probably be following right now. "Gotta go," Renjun says. He heaves the box he's carrying up. "Bye," he grunts. Jaemin nods his head and continues pushing his cart the other direction.

Renjun doesn't see Jaemin much during the work day. Jaemin appears to work on the other end of the line from Renjun, which is a pity, and the managers aren't very keen on Renjun slacking off to go talk to him.

The factories are incredibly dirty, and that's saying something, given that Renjun lived through the medieval periods where people literally dumped their shit onto the streets. It always smells musty and of smoke and sweat. The fumes and chemicals burn Renjun's eyes and lungs, so he has to cover his face half the time. Renjun hates it, but he needs money.

-

Renjun catches Jaemin at their quick meal breaks sometimes. Sometimes he isn't fast enough to find him in the sea of workers and dirty faces. Today, he is.

"Hey," Renjun greets, spooning more gruel into his mouth.

"Hi," Jaemin says around a mouthful as well. Meal times are quick. If you don't finish your meal in time, tough luck. It means no more food for you.

"You good?" he asks. Jaemin just shrugs nonchalantly. Renjun examines him. He looks mostly fine. A little tired though, from the bags under his eyes, and he has a small cut on the upper corner of his cheek.

Suddenly Jaemin bends over, body shaking from the force of rattling coughs. "You don't sound so good," Renjun says, frowning. "Are you sick again?" He reaches to touch Jaemin's forehead but he swats his hand away.  
"No," Jaemin heaves, breathless. "I'm fine." Renjun opens his mouth to protest when the bell sounds.

"Back to work!" the manager screams, and Renjun is forced to leave Jaemin alone. He mindlessly moves through the motions, everything he knows now by rote memory. He almost gets his hand lopped off a few times by being so distracted.

-

When Renjun finishes, there's a crowd around the exit. He pushes his way to the front, partly so that he could finally leave the hell place, partly afraid of what's happening.

Jaemin is struggling to stand back up. His legs keep slipping out from underneath him in the dirt.

"Jaemin," Renjun says, rushing to support him. "Hey," he says softly. "What happened?" Jaemin shakes his head, before coughing. Renjun pushes them both off the ground and maneuvers them through the crowd.

Jaemin stumbles, wracked with another bout of coughing and sputtering. Renjun just rubs his back, and moves them forward inch by inch. Renjun swallows, determined, and forces himself to put one foot in front of another. _Get Jaemin home_, is his singular goal.

-

"Take some time off," Renjun suggests. "The air isn't good for you in there." Renjun is willing to bet his (albeit small) livelihood that's the reason Jaemin's so sick. The factories are hardly regulated, and dirtier than anything else Renjun's seen in his lifetimes.

Jaemin nods dully. He doesn't even have the strength to argue. "Alright," he agrees.

First, it's just a few days here and there. Renjun gets some other workers to help cover for Jaemin so that the management doesn't notice and fire him yet. But then Jaemin's coughing grows worse. Every day he goes in, his _breathing_ grows worse. After each work day ends Renjun watches as Jaemin wheezes and rasps and struggles to inhale. He watches as he drags himself back to his tiny corner of the living quarters and just _collapses_ into a dead sleep.

Eventually, Jaemin stops being able to go into the factory. He moves in with Renjun after that. His coughing gets worse, to the point where he coughs so much his throat is constantly raw and bleeding. Renjun makes him tea when he can to soothe his throat. It doesn't help much, but it's all he can do. Renjun wishes so much he had something more to offer to Jaemin. He works extra shifts in the factory to try and make some extra, but it's never quite enough.

Jaemin reassures him it's more than okay, that's he's perfectly happy to just have _Renjun_. That Renjun in of itself is enough for him. It makes Renjun smile, even on the worst days when all his muscles shake and he can barely stand up.

-

Renjun comes home one day to find Jaemin collapsed on the floor.

At first, he freezes. He just stands in the doorway, whole system on lockdown. It's like he can't even process what's happening in front of him.

_Jaemin. Floor, _his brain prods, and Renjun scrambles back into motion.

"Jaemin?" Renjun says, sliding down to kneel beside him. He throws his jacket and keys away onto the floor. Jaemin struggles to even roll over to face him. Jaemin's chest is heaving erratically. He can't breathe.

Jaemin's hands scrabble for purchase. "Ren—" he gasps, wheezing. He continues flailing, trying to grab onto something. Renjun takes both his hands in his and holds them tight against his chest.

"It's ok," Renjun soothes. "Just, just breathe with me okay?" Jaemin nods frantically. Renjun inhales deeply, purposely puffing out his chest and then releasing so that Jaemin can follow. Jaemin wheezes, an awful rasping noise. Renjun can tell there's not much air going in, not enough to live.

Eventually, Jaemin's horrible wheezing subsides into shallow breaths. Jaemin's eyes flutter closed, and then all is quiet. For a moment, Renjun just holds him. His heart is still racing, so he takes a moment to enjoy the quiet. But then it hits him; Jaemin hasn't made any noise since then. Any.

"Jaemin?" Renjun says tentatively. Jaemin doesn't move or respond. Renjun nudges him. "Hey," he says, louder this time. "Jaemin!" Renjun shouts, his voice cracking. He fumbles to reach for Jaemin's hand, where it lies limp on his lap. He presses two fingers _hard_ against the inside of his wrist and waits. His skin is warm to the touch. But—

There's no pulse.

"God damn it, Jaemin," Renjun sobs quietly, releasing his arm. He places it back in Jaemin's lap. He feels his throat begin to clog up and his eyes water. "God _damn _it Jaemin," he yells. He clenches his fist, digging his nails into his palm. Renjun forces himself to relax and _breathe_ (yeah, breathe like how Jaemin couldn't), so that he doesn't start hyperventilating. By the end, he's pressed deep half-moon circles into the palm of his hand.

He sniffles and moves away from Jaemin—Jaemin's _body_. It's lying on the floor, back propped up against the couch. His head is slumped, and if Renjun didn't know better he could believe he was sleeping. Renjun exhales forcefully and steels himself. He has a body in his apartment he needs to get rid of.

-

Renjun continues to work in the factory until they fire him for being too old. That's not what they say when they do, but Renjun knows it's what they mean. Renjun isn't even that old, at the age of thirty, but there's newer and fresher faces on the block. Why waste your time with an old overworked mule when you can easily replace him with young fresh men?

Renjun gets it. But he wishes he could still work. He doesn't take another job. He has no motivation to. His lungs are wrecked, but still not enough to die gasping for air like Jaemin. His bones and muscles ache from hours spent bent over. The only skill he knows is how to assemble one part of a machine.

Renjun loses his flat first, and then his belongings. He thinks of selling the few he kept for money for food and water, but he gives up on it. There's no point. Renjun has nothing in this life. No money, no job, no talents, no friends, nothing. Weeks later, Renjun dies of starvation. It is by far the most painful death he has had.

-

Now, Renjun is an actor. The development of technology is amazing to see. Film is incredible, and Renjun enjoys his life of fame very much. He’s wealthy, and doesn’t worry much about much really. It's a great contrast to his previous life spent in poverty. Renjun could almost say he was _happy_ in this life, if it weren't for one thing.

-

"Is there a somebody _special_ in your life?" the interviewer asks, waggling her eyebrows. Renjun resists the urge to roll his eyes. He knows what she's after. She wants some juicy gossip about his dating life.

He hesitates before answering. He could lie, and say no. It's also partially true. Renjun doesn't have anybody, and Jaemin is currently MIA. But this could be a chance, to get a message out for Jaemin.

"Yes," Renjun answers finally. "There is someone very special to me. If he's out there, watching this, I want—" Renjun stutters. "I want him to know. It's me."

The interviewer is properly befuddled. "Right," she says slowly. "Moving on," and she throws several more 'mundane' questions. Questions about his upcoming roles in movies, questions about his life in this lifetime. Renjun doesn't really care about all that. All he does is if Jaemin owns a TV, and if he's watching this program. If he got his message.

In the end, he never meets Jaemin in this lifetime. Some nights he sits on his balcony of his penthouse with a glass of wine, he wonders: Have they just not met? Did Jaemin die a child? How did he die? Where is he? _Was Jaemin even born?_

In the end, Renjun dies of old age at eighty-seven before finding out the answers. The cinema world mourns his death, and articles were written even years later about his acting prowess.

-

Renjun is taking the bus when it happens this time.

"Renjun?" someone says. Renjun glances up from his book and is greeted by the sight of none other than Jaemin. His hair is dark again. He looks _good_, put together. Just as pretty as ever. Not that Renjun would ever tell _him_ that. "Hey," Jaemin says, breaking out into an oh so familiar smile.

"I'm not talking to you." Renjun buries his face back into his book, purposely not looking at Jaemin.

"Why," Jaemin whines. "I thought we were besties."

"Besties?" Renjun repeats. "You keep _dying_ on me, asshole," he snaps, slamming his book shut. He's obviously not going to get anymore reading done. "What's the point of going through all this if, if you keep dying so early?"

Jaemin sticks out his lower lip. "I'm sorry," he says, and he really _does_ sound sorry. "I don't mean to."

"Yeah well." Renjun stands. He stuffs his book back into his bag. "This is my stop." They're practically eye level now, Jaemin standing but a few inches from him. Renjun can feel his breath on his face. Finally, Jaemin steps aside and lets Renjun pass him.

"Bye," Jaemin says sadly, waving slightly. Renjun doesn't turn around to wave back. He walks out of the bus, and wonders if it was for the best.

Renjun makes no effort to contact or find Jaemin after that. Because he's still pissed at the idiot. No use in getting so attached to him if he's just going to keep dying so early on him, right?

-

It might be too late for that though. Renjun already knows this, somewhere in the back of his head. He's already grown attached, too attached to this boy with sparkling eyes and smiles that remind Renjun of the sun.

Sometimes Renjun worries, that this reincarnation thing of theirs has a limit. That one day Renjun will wake up and there'll be no more Jaemin. Or Jaemin will die, _really_ die, and there won't be any more second chances. No do overs. No restarting.

-

Jaemin comes into his workplace the next day. "You," Renjun groans.

"Helloo," Jaemin drawls. "Nice to see you too," he says. He leans himself against the counter, and Renjun definitely does _not_ think about how nicely his hair is coiled.

"How'd you find me," Renjun grits out.

"What, I can't stop by to say hi to my favorite person?" Jaemin smiles.

"No," Renjun says. "I'm still mad at you."

Jaemin pouts, and maybe he finds kind of cute and endearing. Not that Jaemin would _ever_ find out about that, no. "But we've been through so much together," he says.

Renjun sighs. "Just order your damn coffee," he says.

Jaemin throws up his hands. "Alright," he says. "I'll have an Americano with eight shots of espresso."

"That can't be healthy," he says. Renjun types it into the registrar nonetheless.

Jaemin shrugs. "I'm not dead yet," he says. He drums his fingers against the countertop.

"You probably will be in a year or so," Renjun says. "See you in the next life I guess, after your liver fails." Jaemin laughs so loudly Renjun thinks he's about to break a rib.

It's the last time Renjun sees him that lifetime.

-

He learns that Jaemin died in a car crash a few months after their coffee shop meeting. Renjun is oddly disappointed, and annoyed. Life becomes so boring, when one is born again and again. There's only so much one can do, and it was nice to have someone to talk about it with. But now, Renjun has to wait another lifetime before he sees him. Because the stupid _idiot_ went and died. Again.

And Renjun still has a lifetime stretched out before him. A lifetime of loneliness. Renjun never really bothers getting close with people in his lifetimes besides Jaemin. Why would he need to? When he has Jaemin?

Or at least, when he has Jaemin for the short period that he's alive.

-

There's a new rising genre of music called 'K-Pop.' He signs himself up for an audition, simply to entertain himself. It's something new, amongst all the years. Renjun listens to a few songs to educate himself. He finds them not so bad. If anything, it might be fun to be a performer again.

Renjun ultimately passes the audition somehow and signs a contract under a company called SM Entertainment. He doesn't really read the contract very carefully, even though he goes over it with a manager. He supposes he doesn't care if he's signing away his human rights since there's always the next life.

-

They call him in for a meeting.

"You've been placed in a boy group with six other members," they inform him. Renjun nods. "Come, we're going to introduce everybody now." Renjun follows the manager down the hallway into one of the meeting rooms. There are five other boys already sitting down at the table. A few of them are chatting, some are sitting silently.

The manager leaves Renjun's side to go talk to another of the staff. They whisper hurriedly. Most likely about the missing seventh boy.

Renjun goes to sit beside one of the quiet people. "Hey," he says.

The boy turns to face him. "Hi," he says back timidly. He seems nervous.

"What's your name?" Renjun asks.

"Jeno," he says. "You?"

"Renjun," Renjun says, extending a hand. "Nice to meet you." Jeno shakes his hand, and opens his mouth to say something more when—

The door slams open. Somebody runs into the room.

"Sorry I'm late," they say, rushing over to sit. Jeno stares wide eyed at them. Renjun wonders what kind of person would be late to such a meeting. He turns away from Jeno to see who it is.

No way. Renjun wants to laugh. He suppresses the urge and maintains a neutral face. _Sly motherfucker_, he thinks.

The manager coughs. "Why don't we all introduce ourselves?" he announces. He gestures towards the boy who was late. "Why don't you start?"  
"Hi," Jaemin grins, waving. "I'm Jaemin."

-

Jaemin must've had the same idea. Trying the "idol life" was something new and exciting. And now they're in the same group.

Jaemin sidles up to him after the meeting ends. "Fancy seeing you here," Jaemin says smugly.

"You too," Renjun grumbles. "How'd you pass the audition?"

"How'd _you_ pass the audition?" Jaemin retorts.

"_I_ was an actor in one life," Renjun says. "You, as far as I know haven't lived past college age yet."

"Well—"

"Hey," Jeno says, coming up to them. Renjun and Jaemin fall silent, abruptly stopping their conversation. Wouldn't do so good to have your groupmate find out you've both lived through the medieval ages. Jeno squints at him. "D-did you two know each other already?" he asks. Jaemin and Renjun look at each other.

"What?" Renjun says. "No."

"Yeah," Jaemin says at the same time. Renjun elbows him. "We—we... met outside," Jaemin elaborates, chuckling awkwardly.

Jeno eyes them for another second before shrugging them off. "Cool," he says.

-

They're conjoined with a larger group, called NCT. They're just one branch out of many of NCT, them being NCT Dream and the others being called other names that Renjun didn't really pay attention to.

They get their debut date, August 24, 2016, along with their debut song, Chewing Gum. It's cutesy and all happy. Renjun supposes it fits with their concept, which is 'youth.' It feels odd to be called young, when in reality he and Jaemin are both several centuries old.

-

Being an idol is fun. Renjun's acquired a new talent for dancing and singing and the other members are fun to hang out. They’re all nice, a little rowdy, but enjoyable. Jaemin especially seems to be enjoying himself. He becomes ever the flirt with the cameras and especially, with their fans. It makes Renjun want to gag, but the fans seem to enjoy it.

It’s not Renjun's first brush with fame, so he understands the instinct to cater to them. And he does his part. He smiles when told to, waves to the fans, says funny things. Best of all, he gets to insult Jaemin on camera and have it brushed off as joking around.

-

Renjun and Jaemin set up a bet with who can reference their past lives as much as they can without getting caught.

"I mean, Renjun's been an actor," Jaemin says once.

The interviewers turn to him, colored with surprise. "Really?" they say.

"Child actor, he means," Renjun says, laughing. He shoots Jaemin a quick glare. Luckily there's a video of him acting in a school project as a child. Renjun says they'll release it later this week as a present for fans. Jaemin laughs his head off at the video. Renjun swears Jaemin has it saved on his phone somewhere, but he can never prove it.

-

Comebacks fly by, and soon Renjun is considered a seasoned idol. Dream wins some awards, and they give speeches and cry on stage. Renjun doesn't really feel pride at the award, it feels paper. It means nothing to him in the long span of things, but he can be happy for their others. Looking at their smiling and cheering faces, he doesn't really have a choice. They're all so _excited_ and energetic. The encore is one of the liveliest performances they've given. It's cute.

Jaemin comes bounding over to him and leaps onto his back. The crowd roars. Renjun heaves, but manages to support the him for long enough for them to pose together. Jaemin slides off and grins.

"Look at us, Renjun," he says, slinging an arm around him. "Winning awards."

"It means nothing," he says. The award is currently in Chenle's hands. He's parading it around with Jisung. Jeno is being forced to dance alone by Donghyuck and Mark, who are cheering him on. They all look so _happy_.

Jaemin follows his gaze. "True," he says. "But to them it means everything."

-

For their next comeback, the choreographers come up with some kind of stack formation for them. Jaemin will be standing on Jeno and Mark, and partially held up by Jisung. From the crowd, it’ll look like a dazzling feat, the choreographers said. Renjun, Chenle, and Donghyuck would kneel in front and do some cute poses. It's the point choreo, they said. It'll be an iconic pose for the song.

They practice it until Mark and Jeno's back aches from how many times Jaemin's stepped on it. Jaemin protests, saying that they've already mastered it, that it doesn't need any more running through. Mark and Jeno disagree.

Every time they reach the stacked part in a practice, Renjun can feel Mark and Jeno's nerves emanating off of them. Realistically, Renjun doesn't think that Jaemin isn't high enough for any real damage to occur. But _if_, if anything were to happen, Mark and Jeno would blame themselves first.

"Again," Mark snaps, even though his chest is heaving from exertion.

-

The comeback is a large success. The stacked formation is a hit amongst the fans, easily becoming an iconic part of their discography. Mark and Jeno claim it's all the extra practice. Jaemin argues they were already perfect without. Nonetheless, Renjun is proud of them all. Despite Mark and Jeno's nerves about the stack, they pull it off flawlessly each performance. Their chart numbers and albums sales are rising every day. The Dream members are elated, it's the happiest times since their debut, they all say in a V-Live once. It seems, everything is going perfectly.

Too perfectly.

-

It's their third to last performance before the end of their concert cycle.

The stage is wet. It’s a nightmare.

“Be careful,” Mark shouts over the music. Everybody nods grimly.

Everybody’s a little more tentative with their moves today. Everything is a little less sharp, jumps are more a little less high off the ground. Any position rotation is done a little slower. Everyone takes the water so seriously. Renjun didn't think it was _that_ big a deal.

But Jisung slips and lands on his knees hard a few times. Renjun almost topples over at one point, overestimating the strength needed to move positions.

-

And then, the stacked formation.

He can tell everyone is nervous. Everyone shifts, looking at each other. _Do we do it? Do we change it? _they all seem to be thinking. They only hesitate for a split second, but on stage it's an eternity.

Jisung is hesitant to help propel Jaemin up Mark and Jeno's backs. Jaemin flashes him a small thumbs up, meant only to be seen by the members. It’ll be fine, Jaemin mouths. So Jisung does his part and pushes him up. Renjun turns away and does his part kneeling in front. He flashes a smile and throws up a peace sign.

And then the crowd screams. Not happy. Horrified. _Scared_. Renjun turns, and Jaemin is lying prone on the stage. A steady growing pool of blood is leaking from his head. Somebody shrieks. The whole stage stops moving. Nobody is dancing anymore, but the music is still playing. Their song goes on, the happy music setting an odd overtone to the scene before him.

Someone slams into Renjun, sending him stumbling. It’s Donghyuck. He races in front of him to Jaemin, crouching beside his figure. His hands shake as they hover above him, horrified. Beside Renjun, Chenle stands frozen.

Renjun can see that the cameras are still rolling, projecting everything that's happening onto the side screens. _Why aren't they stopping_? Renjun moves to block Jaemin from the audience’s view as a swarm of people descend upon them from the wings.

-

Jaemin is rushed to the hospital. The rest of Dream is left behind to deal with the chaos. Fans are screaming at them as they run into the vans. He can see tear tracks on several faces. They demand answers.  
"Jaemin!" they scream. "Is he okay?" They scream Jaemin's name, over and over. They scream their names, calling them. Begging them to answer. Nobody dares to look at the crowd. Nobody moves to speak to them.

The car ride to the hospital is silent.

-

A doctor comes out. She speaks to the manager before walking over to talk to them. Renjun can make out a few words from their conversation. _Coma._ _TBI. Survival chance. ICU. Surgery._

"Jaemin is currently being placed under ICU," she says. "He will go into surgery within the next hour. The next twenty-four hours will be crucial in his chance at survival."

The doctor smiles thinly. "With any luck, the surgery will go smoothly and this will all be over by tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," Mark says. The doctor nods at them before rushing back off into the hospital. Everyone starts to make themselves comfortable. They're in for a long night. Renjun's just grateful for whatever strings the managers pulled so that they were allowed stay at the hospital all night. Not that the waiting room is the most comfortable, but he and all the other members would rather be here than comfortable at the dorms. They'd rather be close to Jaemin. Renjun understands that.

“Do you think he’s going to make it?” Jeno asks hoarsely. His eyes are red rimmed. Renjun doesn't have the heart to tell him no, he doesn’t think so.

“I don't know,” he says instead. Jeno swallows hard, and sniffles. Renjun wraps an arm around him. Renjun's watched Jaemin die over and over again, but that doesn't make it any easier for him to see the next time it happens.

-

They’ve never been tied to quite so many people. Renjun and Jaemin have always sort of drifted between lives, only clinging to each other.

But now they have friends. People who care about them. Renjun is surrounded by them in the waiting room. Surrounded by their grief and their tears. It’s overwhelming.

-

Jaemin's heart fails at precisely 3:21 AM, on the Sunday of November 23rd. the time and date are recorded in a mechanical fashion, to be released with the press announcement. Dream was still waiting in the waiting room when it happened. Jaemin had been in ICU for many hours now, and it was in the wee hours of the morning.

Renjun was the only one still awake when they came out with the news. He had just gotten back from the bathroom when he saw a nurse standing in the waiting room now, staring at the row of sleeping boys.

"Are you here for Na Jaemin?" she whispered, careful not to be too loud as to wake the others. Renjun nods. The nurse's eyes soften. "I'm sorry," she says, and then Renjun knows. He swallows and steadies his breathing. He has to tell the others. "Do you want me to—"

Renjun waves her off. "I'll tell them," he says. The nurse nods, and pads away softly.

He wakes Mark first. "Hey," he says quietly. He shakes him slightly. Mark begins to stir.

"What?" he slurs sleepily. "What's happenin'."

"Mark," Renjun begins. "Mark," he says again. Renjun's never had to _tell_ anybody about Jaemin's death. It's always just been him.

"What?" Mark says, more awake now. He sits up, rubbing at his eyes in way that makes him looks years younger than Renjun. In a way, he is. Renjun's gone through this dozens of times. Mark hasn't. "Renjun?" he says, fear creeping into his voice.

"Mark," he repeats. "Jaemin—" Renjun doesn't even need to finish though. Mark _knows_, the same way Renjun did. He knows from the look on Renjun's face, because no matter how many times Renjun has seen this it never gets any easier, and Renjun never stops mourning him.

"No," Mark says, tears already beginning to fall. "No... No, no, no, no," he repeats, over and over again. Mark turns away from Renjun, gasping and sobbing. Renjun reaches out to comfort him when Jeno starts to stir.

The noise must've woken him. He sees Mark crying, and Renjun sitting beside him. It must be written all over his face and Mark's, because when he speaks, he doesn't ask what's happening. He doesn't call to comfort Mark, or say Renjun's name.

"Jaemin?" he whispers instead. "Jaemin?" he repeats, more desperate. Renjun shakes his head, not trusting his voice or words. Jeno's face crumples.

"Jeno," Renjun says. Jeno inhales, one, two, shuddering breaths before he stands slowly. Then he walks out of the hospital. The door slams harshly in his wake. Neither Mark nor Renjun move to chase him down.

Donghyuck wakes next. He jumps awake, startling himself. Donghyuck yawns before blearily opening his eyes. "Mark?" he says, spotting them. "What—what's going on?"

"Donghyuck," Mark rasps. "It, it's—Jaemin, he—"

"No," Donghyuck spits with ferocity, startling Renjun. "No," he says, this time weaker. "Don't say it." His voice shakes. He's scared, Renjun realizes. Scared of hearing what Mark says next.

"He's _gone_, Donghyuck," Mark says, and he sounds so _empty_. His voice is hollow and raw, like an open wound too sensitive to be exposed to the air.

Donghyuck makes a pained noise at the words, like they physically hurt him to hear. Perhaps it did. To hear that someone you spent your childhood with, someone you grew up alongside, somebody you expected to spend the rest of your career with, has died.

Mark takes Donghyuck into his arms as the younger begins to truly sob in full. Mark himself is still crying, but quieter now. It's silent tears streaming down his face. He holds Donghyuck silently, as Donghyuck's tears soak his shirt.

It's just Chenle and Jisung now. Renjun walks over to the two. They're curled around each other, like they could protect themselves from the harsh reality they're about to be thrust into. Renjun feels bad having to wake them, to break them out of the protective shell they've built for themselves. They look so _innocent_ sleeping. Renjun bets they're having happy dreams, of all of them together.

And now Renjun has to wake them to the worst news that could happen.

"Chenle," he says. "Jisung." He nudges the two of them. Jisung groans and shifts over, detaching himself from where he was lodged in Chenle's arms.

"Ren—" Jisung murmurs. "Renjun?"

"Hi," Renjun says softly. Beside Jisung, Chenle also begins to wake slowly. They're both sitting up, but they both look groggy, like they're not totally aware of what's going on. They must not hear the crying, or see Mark holding Donghyuck as he sobs to their right.

"Renjun?" Chenle says. He swallows. "Why—what time is it?" Renjun glances above their heads, where a clock is hanging. It's four o'clock in the morning.

"It's 4AM," he answers. "Chenle, Jisung, I have—"

"Oh," Chenle says quietly. "It's so early."

"Yes," Renjun says. "It is. The reason why—"

"Do you think we can see the sunrise from here?"

Chenle's eyes are red, and Renjun realizes he's crying. Then he understands why he's been interrupting him so much. Chenle doesn't want to hear it. To hear Renjun speak the words, _Jaemin is dead_. He doesn't want to hear him say it, he doesn't want to know, even though he already does.

"Renjun?" Chenle repeats, his voice cracking. "Can we see the sunrise please?"

"Yeah," Renjun says. He stands from where he was crouching in front of them. He takes Chenle's hand gently in his own. "Let's go see the sunset," he says instead.

Before turning to leave he looks to Jisung. Jisung's face is carefully blank. He's not crying, but Renjun can see in his eyes that he knows. How wise they both are, despite being so young.

Renjun leads Chenle outside. It's cold. The sky is still dark, with the barest hints of twinkling stars being able to be seen. The hospital's waiting room is brightly lit, and the fluorescent lights spill out onto the sidewalk outside.

"Let's sit," Chenle decides. He pulls Renjun along with him to a nearby bench, where they sit together. Chenle shivers. Renjun pulls Chenle closer into his chest. It's frigid outside, and they're both not wearing jackets. They're all still in their stage outfits, not bothering to take the time to change. They sit there in silence until their skin has long turned cold and Renjun can no longer feel his fingers. And then—

"Look," Chenle says, pointing in front of them. In between the buildings, Renjun can see the peaks of the sun's rays beginning to shine through. Above them, the sky starts to fade from a dark navy into warmer, orange hues.

The sun is rising.

-

Jaemin's funeral is two weeks later.

There's a large cluster of weeping fans standing in the very back. Minimal press has been allowed to come. The few photographers' presences are only noticed by the occasional click and flash of their camera. It's weird. Renjun's never been photographed at a funeral before.

All in all, it's surprisingly quiet, despite the large amount of people in attendance. From fans to media to SM management to other members of groups, there must be at least a hundred people here. And yet, the only sound is the slight breeze rustling the trees.

Mark is wrapped around Donghyuck. Renjun can tell he's trying to be strong for them all, him being the oldest. He's not crying, not yet. But Renjun can see the pain clearly in his eyes.

In his arms, Donghyuck weeps openly. There's clear snot running from his nose. The sound of his sniffling is the second loudest thing in the graveyard. Donghyuck's whole body is shaking as he cries. Renjun thinks he would fall over if not for Mark supporting him.

Beside them, Jisung lays his head on Chenle's shoulder. He's crying silently, tears running down his face and wetting Chenle's jacket shoulder.

Mark and Donghyuck shuffle closer to Jisung. Donghyuck reaches out a hand to Jisung. Jisung stares at it first, before slowly holding it. Jisung in turn, turns to Chenle and offers his hand. Chenle readily takes it.

Chenle clutches at Renjun's hand so tight it can feel his circulation cut off. On the other side, he grabs Jeno's hand. It’s cold, but he holds on. Jeno jumps slightly at the contact. He turns to look at Renjun. Renjun doesn’t meet his gaze, but squeezes his hand lightly.

It’s the first time Renjun hasn't been alone at Jaemin's funeral.

-

Renjun asks to terminate his contract after Jaemin's death. The other members of Dream beg him not to, to stay with them. They say they need him, more than ever now. Jisung looks up at him, eyes red and the tears he wouldn't shed earlier finally spilling down his cheeks, and Renjun didn't feel a thing for them. Not anymore. Jaemin was the only reason he ever stayed.

So, he leaves.

-

Years later he reads about NCT Dream's disbandment. SM Entertainment is half bankrupt, and they simply don't have the money to keep up Dream. Not when Dream was hit with two "scandals," as SM called it. The first one being Jaemin's death, the second being Renjun's departure.

Dream never quite fully recovered after. Sure, they went back to performing, months after, but it was never the same. They were all changed people. Each time they performed, Renjun could tell they thought of Jaemin and him. It always felt like they were dancing around empty spaces where Jaemin and Renjun used to be. You couldn't see it when they performed, but Renjun could feel it in the way they danced, in their voices as they sang and rapped.

The fans noticed, of course. Some "netizens" complained, saying Dream wasn't as good as they used to. The majority defended the members, saying of course it wouldn't be the same. Not when Jaemin is dead, and Renjun left them. _Jaemin is dead_, one person had tweeted. _Have a little heart_.

Other people criticized Renjun for leaving Dream when they needed him. The few fans of Renjun that were left after he departed said it was probably because of Jaemin's death. _He probably couldn't deal with performing anymore_, someone had said. _Not without Jaemin._

_my renmin heart </3_, another had replied.

How strange, the various reactions. Renjun's read everything. Not that he cares what people online think of him, but it's simply fascinating to observe. He must've seen every possible reaction on the full spectrum of human emotions.

He supposes his fans are right, in a way. He did leave because of Jaemin's death, just not because of the reason they think so.

-

They meet in a club next time. Jaemin's hair is dyed pink, and Renjun is standing the corner holding a drink he's pretending contains alcohol.

"Renjun!" Jaemin throws his arms around him while Renjun grumbles and shoves him off.

"You," he says flatly. "What a surprise."

"I know right?" Jaemin grins. "I didn't think I'd see you in a _club_ of all places."

"Not my choice," Renjun says, taking a sip of his water. He gestures to his friends who are all currently dancing on the dance floor.

"Ah," Jaemin says, following his gaze. "College?"

"Yep."

"Where?"

"Hunter," Renjun answers. "You?" he asks back, to be civil.

"City public," Jaemin says.

Renjun laughs. He's never been, but he's heard some pretty rank stories about it. "Nice," he says sarcastically. There's a lull in the conversation then, but it doesn't feel uncomfortable for some reason. Renjun feels strangely at _home_ with Jaemin. Maybe it's the fact that they've now known each other for several hundred years now. Maybe it's something else.

"Why have I never seen you old?" Jaemin pokes him, startling him out of his thoughts. "We're always young."

"It's because you keep dying tragically young," Renjun says.

"_Me_?" Jaemin points to himself incredulously. "What about you?"

Renjun shrugs. "I usually live pretty long."

Something catches Jaemin's eyes, as he glances away for a split second. "I should get going," he says, stepping back. "I'll see you then?"

"Sure," Renjun says, waving. He watches Jaemin go back off to his friends, watching as his pink head bobs and weaves throughout the crowd.

-

Surprisingly, Jaemin doesn't die this time before they meet up again. Renjun's being dragged to a house party by a few of his suitemates. He's walking over towards the kitchen to grab some snacks when he slams into a particular tall boy with pink hair.

"Jaemin," Renjun exclaims, both annoyed and happy he is to see that he's A) still alive and B) here, in front of Renjun.

"Renjun!" Jaemin says just as happily back. He reaches and pulls him into a hug before Renjun can protest. "You're here."

"Yeah," Renjun groans, pushing him away. "I thought you'd have died before we met up again though. I'm surprised you're still around." Jaemin laughs.

"Hah," he says. "I'm not that easy to get rid of."  
Renjun rolls his eyes. "You really are sometimes though," he mutters.

-

At some point, they climb up onto the roof to watch the stars. Just them, and the night sky. Renjun knows there's something between them. Something that they're both too afraid to admit to quite yet. But that's okay, for now they're content to watch the stars and the moon.

"They sky hasn't changed," Renjun comments. "It's the same, almost. The same sky we saw from the tower window."

Jaemin sighs happily. "Yeah," he exhales. He rolls over so that he's facing Renjun. "Do you remember, those nights? In the field?"

"The field where we very first met?" Renjun says, glancing to look at him. "Yes," he says. "Of course I do."

"You think we could find that field again?" Jaemin asks. "Go back, pretend we're kids again."

"Yeah, and have you die of typhoid fever?" Renjun snorts. Jaemin chuckles and swats him. They lapse into silence. But it's comfortable. They're both just content to simply _be_ in each other's presence. It's something special to Renjun, and he can only hope it's special to Jaemin too.

"Do you ever think." Jaemin fiddles with a twig in his hands. "About why we’re being brought back?" Jaemin asks.

Renjun shrugs. “Stop fucking dying so early and we just might find out,” he says.

Jaemin laughs, bright, loud, happy. It's a sound Renjun never wants to stop hearing.

-

Renjun figures it out after that. The way he looks at Jaemin. Why he feels so connected to Jaemin. It's confusing, and scary a little, and Renjun wishes he could ask someone for advice, but he doubts even Google would have an answer for _How do I tell my immortal reincarnation partner that I'm in love with him?_

Love. God, what a word. Is that really what it is? Renjun lays on his bed, frustrated. It can't really be much of anything else, he supposes. _Love_, he repeats in his head. _I love Jaemin_.

He groans and rolls over.

-

Renjun asks Jaemin to meet him at a coffeeshop. Just the two of them.

"Jaemin," he says, turning to face him. "I have something to tell you," Renjun says. "I—I've been thinking on this a lot. You know, since we've known each other for a—a while it's not weird, right? I mean, we’ve been together for _so_ long, right?" Renjun rubs the back of his neck. At this point he's rambling, speaking far quicker than normal. Jaemin will know he's nervous now. Renjun forces himself to inhale deeply before continuing. Jaemin just tilts his head, waiting for him to speak. "I have something to tell you," he repeats. "Just—" Renjun clutches his head. Why is it so goddamn _hard_. He fans himself with his hands, not bothering to hide his nerves anymore. _Fuck it,_ he thinks, and steels himself.

"I love you," Renjun says quickly. He sucks in a breath. Jaemin blinks owlishly, stunned. "I _love_ you," he repeats, this time slower.

Jaemin smiles slowly. "Really?" he says, looking so hopeful. "You're not kidding?"

Renjun shakes his head. He's not _cruel_. "No," he says. "I'm not." Jaemin laughs and rushes in to hug him. This time, Renjun lets him. He even hugs him back.

"You didn't say it back," Renjun murmurs.

"Love youuuu," Jaemin says cutely. "I love you so much." Renjun blushes, and allows himself to snuggle deeper into Jaemin's embrace.

"Love you too," Renjun mumbles back, his face squished against Jaemin's chest. Underneath his sweater, Renjun can feel the steady thrum of Jaemin's heartbeat.

-

Renjun sticks to Jaemin's side like glue now, mostly to make sure he doesn't die on him _now_ after everything, but also because he enjoys Jaemin's company. Renjun even accompanies Jaemin to some of his classes, choosing to skip his own. Renjun doesn't really care about his degree. He has several others anyways.

-

Eventually, they get married. Cheesy, but it's easily the happiest day of Renjun's life. Jaemin looks radiant in a white suit. He has this big goofy grin on his face, probably matching Renjun's, that tells Renjun it's also the best day in _Jaemin's_ life. The fact is enough to make Renjun happy for another life time or two.

-

They're sitting together on the couch. There's a fireplace before them, crackling. It's warm, and everything Renjun could ever wish for in a life. Renjun hums, content to just _be_ with Jaemin.

"I've never been so _old_," Jaemin whines, still sounding like he's two.

"It's not so bad," Renjun says.

"My bones," Jaemin says. "They ache. I don't think old age is for me."

"You don't get a choice," Renjun says. "I'm not allowing you to die."

Jaemin snorts. "Not even of old age?"

"Nope," Renjun says petulantly. "Never," he whispers.

-

Renjun goes for a walk one day. Alone, as Jaemin said he wasn't feeling too well that day. Renjun had brushed it off. Jaemin's never been this old before, so he must be overreacting to how it's like to be old. A day of rest wouldn't hurt him, so Renjun left the house for his walk.

When he returned, he found Jaemin lying on their bed, eyes closed. Peaceful. As if he were sleeping. But Renjun had a bad feeling.

"Jaemin?" Renjun says. Jaemin doesn't respond. It's not an unfamiliar scene to Renjun. Renjun's been in this situation many times, and many times he's panicked. Screamed and cried for Jaemin. But this time he's calm. Renjun simply sighs, and sits down beside Jaemin on the bed. He places a hand on Jaemin's chest.

He's dead.

-

It was a peaceful death, the doctors said. He went in his sleep. He wouldn't have felt anything. Renjun's grateful for that at least.

And at least, Renjun is also old. He himself mustn't have much that time left either.

-

Renjun goes to Jaemin's funeral, this time as an old man. He's never done that before.

Maybe this lifetime will be the last. He feels he's done everything he was supposed to. He confessed to Jaemin, and they lived a long, happy, life well into old age together.

As Renjun watches his last sunset, he thinks back on all the many lives he's shared with Jaemin. This one is his favorite by far. Sure, it's boring and mundane, but it's special to Renjun_._

Today, everything feels so final. Like the closing of a long, long, book full of many adventures._ This must be the end then_, he muses. _The end of it all._

That night, he goes to sleep peacefully and with a smile on his face.

-

It's not the last lifetime.

Renjun is reborn and spends the majority of his early childhood in a doctor's office. His parents are concerned, as would any normal parents be for their normal child. Except, Renjun's not a normal child.

The doctor's say it's like he's acting as if he's been through something traumatic. Like shock, they say. They question his parents over whether anything happened to him, to which they can only answer, "No, Renjun's had a very happy childhood."

And it's true. They've been good parents to him. Provided him with toys, love, and care, everything a child could want. But Renjun's not a child. Not mentally.

Renjun's confused. What more is there to do? What did he do wrong? Maybe it's a curse, the immortality. Maybe he's meant to live until the Earth explodes, and only then will he be able to finally rest. Maybe there's no real reasoning as to why he and Jaemin are being reincarnated endlessly.

Renjun doesn't really believe that. There's always a reason to everything.

-

Growing up, he's sent to a litany of therapists. His parents are such hypochondriacs, they worry over every little sign Renjun displays. Good thing over the years he's perfected the art of lying.

He tells none of his therapists anything real. Telling them the truth, the _real_ truth, would just result in him being sent to a mental hospital. They wouldn't believe him. No sensible human would, Renjun certainly wouldn't, not if he himself weren't living it.

And he wouldn't be able to find Jaemin if he was locked up, and that wouldn't do.

-

As soon as Renjun is able to, he leaves his parents behind.

He feels bad doing so, but Jaemin is clearly not in the near vicinity or else Renjun would've already ran into him. His parents are tearful while sending him off. Renjun barely flinches.

"Goodbye," Renjun murmurs, while his mom cries on his shoulder.

"You'll come back," she says, stepping away finally. "Right? To visit sometimes?"

Renjun nods emotionlessly. "Yes," he says. It's a lie. He has no intention of ever returning. Not when the world, and _Jaemin_, most importantly, Jaemin is out there.

-

Renjun travels with no real aim other than to find Jaemin. He has no idea how it worked out so smoothly before. The world is a big place, and it's surprising they've always been so close before. No matter though, Renjun will find him.

In the meanwhile, he enjoys travelling. His parents were wealthy, so that money is not much of a concern, and they were more than happy to help support Renjun. Renjun has no idea of where Jaemin would be, other than following his gut. He picks flights and destinations at random, choosing to believe that his gut instinct would lead him right.

Renjun sees great sights. He eats great food. He visits a battlefield and remembers the time he was here in person more than a hundred years ago. He takes a tour of a castle and wonders if it's the one he used to serve in.

-

Renjun hasn't met Jaemin yet, and his lifetime is almost over. But that's okay, it's happened before. Renjun holds out hope for the next time. The world is a big place, and it's not always so easy to find each other. But now with the ever-advancing technology it's easier than ever for Renjun to scour the corners of the planet for him.

Renjun keeps searching well after his nineties, just in case.

But he never finds him.

-

In this lifetime, there's a new system called the 'registrar.' Everybody is required to register in it. It's basically a world directory for everybody. Apparently Renjun had missed its proposal while searching for Jaemin last life time. There were protests all over the world, but the world council decided to go ahead and greenlight it. They claimed it would "build a better and safer world for all."

Renjun thought it was all bull shit. But, it could help him find Jaemin. So Renjun goes and registers willingly.

-

Every day there's new reports of underground rebel bases being found out and forced to register. Renjun wonders if Jaemin's in one of them, and if that's why he's still not in the registrar.

Renjun checks the world registrar every day still, just in case. Sometimes Jaemin has been born quite a few more years after Renjun, but it's never been this long. Yes, there are people named Jaemin that live out there, but they're not _his_ Jaemin. It confuses Renjun, and he's starting to become scared. Scared that Jaemin is no more, and now it's just Renjun alone and the everlasting centuries ahead of him.

-

Living many lives is lonely when you have no partner anymore. Immortality is overrated. Renjun wishes he could join wherever Jaemin is.

-

Renjun sees the world change before his eyes. The registrar system falls to pieces, mass groups of rebels storming the world council headquarters and basically dismantle most governments. The world really goes to shit after that. The extremists take over a large portion of Europe and Asia. Many people try to flee, only to find themselves trapped with no way out. Renjun's lucky, he was born in America this time.

-

But eventually, the chaos crosses the sea. Cities crumble and fall, only to be rebuilt once more. Centuries come to pass, and yet nothing matters really to Renjun.

Jaemin hasn’t come back once again, after that one time many, many years ago. Sometimes Renjun sits alone in his room, and repeats Jaemin's name out loud to himself. Just to make sure he hasn't forgotten.

His life barely matters. He’s done everything a human could’ve possible done in a thousand lifetimes. And Renjun is bored and done. Sometimes it feels like he's waiting eternally for the world to end, so that he can restart it all.

Sure, he could off himself but that would just bring the next lifetime quicker. And Renjun hates childhood more than anything.

-

Temperatures continue to rise, until the sun has scorched the earth beyond recognition. Most of plant and animal life has died off. Water is sparse, and it’s dangerous to be outside for too long. And yet, humanity lives onward. They dig into the earth, underground where it’s cooler and the sun cannot touch them.

Underground is dark, more often than not. Lighting is shaky, even with the wonders of technology, and cooling is sparse. It reeks of sweat. Too many people pressed together in a too small space.

Renjun misses the sun. He misses the fields and the flowers and the sky but most of all, he misses Jaemin.

-

In the end it’s just Renjun.

It seems, even when the Earth has died and everyone else along with it, (and Jaemin, Jaemin most of all), Renjun is still here. Renjun watched as the last of humanity died. He stood there underground with them, watched them wail as their machines finally failed them. He suffocated alongside them, only to wake up above ground lying on the sand.

For a while he wandered, roaming the dry and cracked ground. He had clothes on, surprisingly, given that he didn't think he was "born" from anybody. They were dusty and tattered, but functional. He passed through several old cities, walking through the empty streets and reminiscing on the way life used to be. He can't quite feel the heat from the sun anymore. It's still hot, but not so much that Renjun feels himself burning alive. He doesn't hunger, and he doesn't thirst.

Currently, Renjun is sitting on the edge of building looking at a ruined city. Renjun can't even remember what city it used to be. Not that it matters anymore, as humanity is no more.

It's oddly peaceful, being the last human alive on Earth. Even though Renjun's not totally sure he could be counted as human at this point.

-

Renjun doesn't know how long he sat there before he heard soft footsteps behind him.

“Hey stranger.”

Renjun turns. It’s Jaemin.

“It’s been a long time,” Jaemin says, sitting down beside him. It's odd to see him now. He looks so pristine, not a hair out of place. A contrast compared with Renjun, who even now is beaten down and weathered.

"Where have you been?" Renjun says.

Jaemin shrugs. "Busy," he replies. "End of the world, you know." Jaemin sits down on the ledge beside him. "I thought humanity would last longer," he says. "I'm disappointed."

Renjun hums. "They did pretty well," he admits.

"You didn't figure it out so early this time," Jaemin says.

"No," Renjun admits. "Only at very the end. And by then, it was too late to do anything. You had already won."

Jaemin laughs. "I figured it out too early," he says. "Smart though, bringing them underground. It bought you a little time."

"Not enough to win," Renjun sighs, annoyed. Out of all their games, Renjun's only won three hundred. Jaemin's won thousands. "It's easier to kill them all than to save them all." He pokes Jaemin. "You have the easy part."

"I even tried to jog your memory though," Jaemin complains, rubbing at his arm. "I asked you why we were being brought back."

Renjun groans. "Yeah," he says. "And I didn't take the bait. Ugh."

"Your fault," Jaemin teases. The wind blows some sand onto the two of them. The heat doesn't feel so scorching anymore. It's pleasant, being here with Jaemin. Just the two of them. Renjun would have it like that for millennia, but of course that wouldn't do.

"I missed you," Renjun says softly.

"Yeah?" Jaemin turns to look at him. He has that mischievous look on his face, like he's about to get up to no good.

"You _ass_." Renjun punches him. "Putting me through all that emotional trauma."

Jaemin laughs heartily. "Did my distraction work?" He waggles his eyebrows for good effect. "You were too distracted, eh?"

"Yes, by my distress that you kept _dying_," Renjun laughs. "God, I hate you so much."

"Ouch." Jaemin presses a hand against a fake wound. "I'm hurt. I thought you loved me."

"I did, until you decided to go and die so awfully each time," Renjun says. "I mean, what did you even do to get so sick every time? Roll around in the dirt?"

Jaemin holds a hand up to his lips. "Death keeps his secrets," Jaemin says.

"Alright," Renjun says, rolling up his sleeves. "I'll try some of _my _tricks next round then."

"Play again?" Jaemin says, his eyes twinkling.

"Of course," Renjun answers easily. Jaemin extends a hand, palm up.

Renjun takes his hand.

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a kudo or comment if you enjoyed <333
> 
> if you didn't get the ending, here's a little explanation:  
Jaemin is death, Renjun is life. It's a funny little game they play. Restarting the world over and over again, to see how long it takes for either humanity to run itself into the ground. The catch is they also wipe their own memories, and see how long it takes for the two of them to figure it out as well.  
They compete to see whether Jaemin can kill everything on Earth or if Renjun can save everything first. This time, Jaemin won, as life was extinct. For Renjun to win, life must persist for at least a certain amount of time.
> 
> come talk to me elsewhere, leave me prompts or w/e or yell about my stories to me:  
twitter: [@floweryongs](https://twitter.com/floweryongs)  
curious cat: [@floweryong](https://curiouscat.me/floweryong)  
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